Bachelor's guide to food

got this from my inbox and I can help but smile that, yeah, it can be real and I can almost relate to some of it, especially with vegetables hehehe (the indented comments were mine)

BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. (Maybe the cure to all sickness can be found there, who knows?)

CANNED GOODS: Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS: A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh. (guilty!!!!)

CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date. (Oh, I am proud to say that cereals and oatmeals don't last a week on my ref)

CHIP DIP: If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad. (At least, you can play ball with it hehe)

DAIRY PRODUCTS: Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is bleu cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind. (Does a melted margarine/butter inside a mayonaise bottle with something white growing around it is also spoiled? hehe)

EGGS: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime. (This is probably not a very hot way of having a chick/s on your house, and inside your refrigerator, scary!)

EMPTY CONTAINERS: Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid. (Half full bottle of cola, a box of milk, some stuffs on a jar that you can no longer remember what, and of course, water containers - lots of it - can do the trick. hehe)

EXPIRATION DATES: This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calender in your kitchen. (They have expiration...dates?)

FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles. (Just imagine that's where the Sandman resides)

FROZEN FOODS: Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife. (Oh no, I already have a trauma when it comes to frozen food and kitchen knife, it's bloody!)

GAG TEST: Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

LETTUCE: Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without sandpaper. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid. (Why is it that lettuce has this bad habbit of going to the bottom even though it's always placed on top of all vegetables?)

MAYONNAISE: If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

MEAT: If opening the refrigerator door causes all stray animals within a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled. (Hmmm, so that explains why there are a lot of stray cats in the neighborhood...)

POTATOES: Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth. (What? They don't have roots??? And onions and garlics should have leaves, right? Right? And ginger, too?)

RAISINS: Raisins should not be harder than your teeth. (At least, not as hard)

SALT: It never spoils. (Thank God!)

UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster to gauge this. (Okay, now, where do i put the hamster, inside the refrigerator?)

c",)